The Christmas of Santa Fake and the Snowflake

Around this time of year we like to reflect back on our favorite Christmas memories. I have so many good memories of Christmas. Even the years where things were grim or we were troubled, we somehow were able to find some comfort and joy in Christmas. We didn't always have money, but we were never forgotten. I remember some dark Christmases, when the death of a loved one left me feeling numb. I remember several times where people left anonymous gifts, or even money, for us. We had good friends and support every Christmas.

I love thinking back on the good times and the hard, not what about the not-so-wholesome experiences? Today I want to share what is probably the most ...unpleasant Christmas memory I have. Don't worry, it's not too heavy.

It was the year when someone took away the magic of Santa Claus.

(Disclaimer- This is from my perspective as a child, and it's an old memory. Sorry if you were there and I misread your feelings. Please let me know how you remember it!)

I don't remember exactly how old I was, but I think I was somewhere between 5 and 8? We were hosting a Christmas party at our house with my dad's side of the family. My cousins were there. In all there were seven or eight children, no older than 10. I loved seeing my cousins and longed to be closer to them. This was one of the special times we had to get to know each other.

I remember the whole family laughing and talking, just enjoying our time together. It really was great to have them at my own house. Then suddenly we heard the sound of jingle bells outside. Naturally, we (the children) became excited. I was also a little confused. It wasn't Christmas yet. How could this be? Santa wouldn't come to our house before Christmas... would he?

Soon my parents announced that we had a special visitor, and in walked a jolly man in a red suit. We were so excited. We took turns, and one by one, we got to talk with Santa. This is where things started getting off. On each turn, he mentioned one way the child was good, and one thing the child could try harder at. A good idea, right? ...except these things were disproportionate. For nearly every child, he said some minor thing they were good at, and then announced to the whole company their negative item. He exaggerated the bad, and casually threw the good into the wind. Not only that; his information was pretty inaccurate. He didn't know what happened when there were no adults around. He didn't seem to know or care about the pain and struggles many of these children had experienced. Wasn't Santa supposed to at least partly know about those things?

I was one of the lucky ones. I don't remember exactly what he said, but I remember the jist of it. It went something like this...

"Krista, I've heard that you try to be a peacemaker with your siblings. BUT you don't listen very well when your mom calls for help in the kitchen. That's not good. You need to listen and help out. Will you do better next year? If you promise to do better next year, I'll let it slide."

That wasn't too far off. Though, he still didn't seem to know what was really going on.

For most of the kids, he said terrible things. He made everyone sound like they should be on the naughty list! I knew my cousins and siblings well enough to know that was a lie. These were some of the best behaved children I knew, and this "Santa" was flat-out shaming them. I started to think that this couldn't be real. Santa was supposed to know the truth. He had obviously gotten his information from another source.

Some of the children were very little, and he wasn't even nice to them. I honestly don't even remember what he said to most of the kids. I just remember that he was so wrong, and I remember the sad, humiliated faces. Some of the little ones may have even cried.

Then came the icing on the cake. It was my little sister's turn. "Santa" changed his mood. He praised her for being such a well-behaved child, but casually mentioned how she did have a tendency to annoy her siblings. Then he gave her a special little plastic snowflake for being the nicest child there. He told her to put the snowflake under her pillow on Chirstmas Eve, and in the morning she'd have an extra surprise.

What was he doing? Was he trying to punish her? He had stirred up the pain, anger, shame, and embarrassment in all the children, and then aimed it at my little sister! She squirmed. I could tell she wanted to be excited about this. She wanted to feel proud of herself. But more than that, she wanted to be loved and accepted. The truth was, she was a very good kid, and she deserved something extra, but no more than the others. She knew that, too. She knew the others were also good. She was not the BEST child there. In fact, if we had all voted, we probably would have chosen one of the younger ones to have the snowflake.

Emotions were tense at this point. My older sister was furious (and rightly so). He'd humiliated her. I admit, I felt a little betrayed, too. I was also worried about everyone else being upset. The two oldest, my cousin and older sister, went to my sister's room. I went and talked with them for a while, too. I also talked to my younger sister. No one was happy. It was a bad place for everyone.

My aunts and uncles were furious, too. I was terrified. I was sure my relatives would hate us now. Typical that he would favor one of the host's children, right? Everyone was upset, and I wished we could just go back to the loving, fun, and close holiday we had been having before. Who was this man that thought he could come in here and ruin our Christmas?

My parents agreed that he had gone too far. They told us (my siblings and I, at least) that he was not the real Santa Clause. He was my dad's friend from work. He was usually a nice guy, and they thought it would be fun for everyone. He had asked all the parents to tell him one good thing about each child, as well as one thing they needed to work on.

All-in-all, if this santa had been fair, truthful, and kind to all of the children, whoever he chose, it would have been much more exciting and fun. Yes, there may have been a little jealousy, but everyone would have gotten over it and had fun. I really think he exaggerated on purpose to make it a bigger deal. If anything, he suceeded at making it a big deal!

I've since seen a story about Santa giving the best-behaved child a special snowflake. I'll be honest, I did not read it. I still don't think it's a good idea at all, but I am curious. I'm willing to bet it's not quite like my experience.



Sometimes, in desperation, adults use competition, threats, and bribery to compel children to behave. There are a lot of things this time of year, like the snowflake, the elf on the shelf, the naughty and nice list. These things put a lot of pressure on kids, and, in my opinion, ruin the spirit of Chirstmas. How can children learn to love and give freely when they feel like they're constantly being watched and judged, in danger of losing the right to receive gifts?

I'm not saying these are all bad. Competition specifically can be a great motivator. I use it, too. However, I believe a much better approach is to simply help children focus on giving. Take the focus off of what they will or won't get. I can't say I know the best way to do this. I'm still trying to figure it out, but I'll tell you a couple things we tried. This year, my six-year-old was stressing out about the many things he wants and which ones he'll get. I told him, "You remember what Christmas is usually like. I'm sure you will get more than enough nice things. You don't need to worry about that. Now is time for you to focus on giving. What can you give? Who would you like to give a special gift to?" All kids are different, but he especially loves giving gifts, so saying this helped him to re-focus his thoughts on giving to others. For my youngest, I told him that some kids don't have very many toys and asked him what he could do about it. He became excited about giving toys to kids who have none so they can be happy.

These are not the only things we've talked about. I try to help my children have a giving perspective. In all honesty, they have a lot of nice things! They're children, and though there are things they want, they have surprised me with how much they understand and how giving they can be.

 What helps your child (or you) shift focus to serving others and giving?

Thanksgiving Reflections

It seems that, in recent years, America has tried to "lighten up" Thanksgiving. I get it, I do. More people started realizing that Thanksgiving wasn't completely founded on goodness. It's controversial. So why not forget about the pilgrims and Native Americans and instead turn it into a shallow holiday about turkey? Controversy avoided!

...not really.

Don't get me wrong, having kids color pictures of turkeys instead of overly-stereotyped "Indians" and pilgrims linked arm-in-arm IS less offensive. But does that mean we should just forget the holiday's origins?

Thanksgiving has always stirred up intense emotions in me. From the feelings of gratitude, love, warmth, social anxiety, good food, and quality time of my childhood, to the conflicts I began to realize in adolescence, to the anger and despair I experienced when I really studied the darker side of our culture's history, to the joy and exhaustion of bringing a week-old baby to thanksgiving dinner!

To me, Thanksgiving is a time of deep reflection. Yes, it's a reflection on the blessings I have, on gratitude, but it's much more than that. It's a time of sorrow and hope in a better future for mankind. It's a time of struggle; a time of great faith but also fear and doubt. It's even a time of guilt... guilt that I have so much when others have so little; guilt that a lot of what I have came through the persecution, suffering, and deaths of others. I know there's no productivity in feeling guilty, but we do need to acknowledge these not-so-happy parts of our society.

I'm grateful for all the Lord has given me... I know everything comes from Him. But how can I claim my good fortune is a blessing when others who I'm sure are more deserving don't receive the same blessing? I know it's not that simple. We all have a different path to take. Still, though.

Honestly, I'm grateful that I grew up with money struggles but also had access to education. I know I lack a lot of information, and my concept of the world is constantly changing, but I believe I was given a unique balance of perspective, and that may be what I am most thankful for.

I reflect on those who came before me, who brought me here, my ancestors. There are ancestors I cry for, ancestors I'm proud of, and frankly, some ancestors I'm a little ashamed of.

I have mixed blood: Ancestors from Ireland, Scotland, Germany, and others, but there are two cultures in my ancestry I crave to understand most, and number one is the Native Americans. I feel connected to my native ancestors in a deeply spiritual way. I feel their strength and heartache in my bones. Of course there's no way I can prove it (in fact, on paper I've only seen proof that I'm 1/32 native), but it's so strong to me. I did not experience what they went through, and I don't claim to. I do, however, want to know them better.

I also know that Native Americans weren't only killed and driven from their homes. They weren't only forced to live in completely different climates. They weren't only raped and pillaged. They had their CULTURES, their very way of life, traditions, even languages, stripped away from them generation by generation. Now the survivors fight to pick up the pieces. How can we tell everyone to be grateful on a holiday that marks the beginning of such destruction?


I believe Thanksgiving should be a time that reminds us of our history, how far we've come, and how much further we have to go.

What do you ponder on Thanksgiving (I mean other than the best way to cook a turkey or what spices to put in your pumpkin pie)?

Parenting: Critically Offended

Hello everyone! I know it's been a while, and I've missed sharing my thoughts with you!

Let me start off today with some quotes (and body language) that I've observed.

"Just wait until they're older."

"That poor child."

*frightened glance*

"That's what happens when the kid is in charge."

*suspicious glare*

"Wow, what that kid needs is a good ____!"

*horrified look*

"If he were MY kid..."

*cough, eyeroll, smile at own perfectly behaving child*

"Some people just shouldn't have children."

"I feel so judged."

"You parent your way, and I'll parent my way. We each know what's best for our own families."

...but do we?

If any of these sound familiar, you've probably talked to a parent... about another parent (or thought these things yourself).

Exclusive Parenting

I've noticed a pattern. Maybe it's a trend, or maybe it's been going on for a very long time. Whatever the case, I think there is a problem. In the past, people were generally more closed (at least in some cultures, like ours) when it came to parenting. There was more of a "what happens inside one man's house is his business" type of mentality. I think we've come a long way from that, but it's still present in some ways... And we've developed new problems along the way.

I've read some other articles recently about these same things. Now it's time to add my voice. I want to talk about one phenomenon in particular. We'll call it... exclusive parenting (let me know if you have a better name for it). 

Parents do their own thing. This seems like a good idea in a way. After all, there are many effective parenting strategies, and each family has unique circumstances. But we're constantly putting on a show. We need some balance.

I've found that there are a few different mentalities within this idea. This is just from my own observations.
-Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

Mostly, I've observed that parents care. They do the best with what they know, which, of course, is limited to their own experiences and perspective.

I'll let you in on a few secrets...

-NO parent knows EXACTLY what's best for his or her own family. In fact, I think most parents feel like they're just winging it.

-There is actually a LOT of well-studied information about children and parenting. 

-Each parent (old, young, or in-between) has unique, helpful information that could be just what another parent needs.

-It is often hard to see the complete picture when you're intricately physically, mentally, and emotionally involved in a situation. This phenomenon has a specific name (which I can't remember at the moment). An outside perspective is very helpful in this case.

-On the other hand, family has close, minute-to-minute contact, so they can see things no one else can.

So why are we all so alone, underappreciated, ridiculed, offended, and worst of all, critically judgmental of our fellow parents?!

Because we're afraid, too. We're afraid of offending someone. We're afraid of being judged.
We know that other parents, and non-parents (I know, right?!), are watching our every move and judging us behind our backs, so we feel the need to prove our competency by judging them and other parents, thus perpetuating the problem. Furthermore, because we feel like we're being judged, even kind, well-meaning words of advice are interpreted as criticism. Everyone is offending and getting offended. Why? Why are we doing this to ourselves? Let's stop it!

Let's start a NEW trend. A trend of SHARING but not JUDGING. 

First, remember your own bias. Then, try to be understanding of the situation. Empathize. Remember that we are ALL imperfect. Do not compare children to each other. BUT, if you see something going on and have a valuable outsiders' perspective (or actual help) to offer, don't shy away in fear.

It won't be easy, but I think we can do it. We can start by not judging others. Here are some tips to try (though I can't promise parents won't get offended):

• Flash your kindest, understanding smile.

• Acknowledge your own shortcomings.

• Ask the parent if you can say hello to the child, or simply wave.

• Turn it around. Instead of giving advice, ask for it (at the right time... during a meltdown may not be the right time).

• Offer kind words of encouragement.

• Offer to push a grocery cart, carry bags, or anything you think might be helpful.

• Ask, "would you like an outsider's perspective?"

• During peaceful times, let friends and neighbors know your plan. Say, "I want to be less judgmental, more helpful, and more open-minded. If you would like to share parenting (or other) advice, I'd like to hear your perspective. I'll use it to help me do what I feel is right." Reach out to people of all ages, not just your peers. Someone much older or considerably younger may have just the perspective you need.

What do you think about this idea?

I'd like to hear what kind of experiences you've had with feeling judged or judging other parents. Please comment with your feelings!