Parenting: Critically Offended

Hello everyone! I know it's been a while, and I've missed sharing my thoughts with you!

Let me start off today with some quotes (and body language) that I've observed.

"Just wait until they're older."

"That poor child."

*frightened glance*

"That's what happens when the kid is in charge."

*suspicious glare*

"Wow, what that kid needs is a good ____!"

*horrified look*

"If he were MY kid..."

*cough, eyeroll, smile at own perfectly behaving child*

"Some people just shouldn't have children."

"I feel so judged."

"You parent your way, and I'll parent my way. We each know what's best for our own families."

...but do we?

If any of these sound familiar, you've probably talked to a parent... about another parent (or thought these things yourself).

Exclusive Parenting

I've noticed a pattern. Maybe it's a trend, or maybe it's been going on for a very long time. Whatever the case, I think there is a problem. In the past, people were generally more closed (at least in some cultures, like ours) when it came to parenting. There was more of a "what happens inside one man's house is his business" type of mentality. I think we've come a long way from that, but it's still present in some ways... And we've developed new problems along the way.

I've read some other articles recently about these same things. Now it's time to add my voice. I want to talk about one phenomenon in particular. We'll call it... exclusive parenting (let me know if you have a better name for it). 

Parents do their own thing. This seems like a good idea in a way. After all, there are many effective parenting strategies, and each family has unique circumstances. But we're constantly putting on a show. We need some balance.

I've found that there are a few different mentalities within this idea. This is just from my own observations.
-Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

Mostly, I've observed that parents care. They do the best with what they know, which, of course, is limited to their own experiences and perspective.

I'll let you in on a few secrets...

-NO parent knows EXACTLY what's best for his or her own family. In fact, I think most parents feel like they're just winging it.

-There is actually a LOT of well-studied information about children and parenting. 

-Each parent (old, young, or in-between) has unique, helpful information that could be just what another parent needs.

-It is often hard to see the complete picture when you're intricately physically, mentally, and emotionally involved in a situation. This phenomenon has a specific name (which I can't remember at the moment). An outside perspective is very helpful in this case.

-On the other hand, family has close, minute-to-minute contact, so they can see things no one else can.

So why are we all so alone, underappreciated, ridiculed, offended, and worst of all, critically judgmental of our fellow parents?!

Because we're afraid, too. We're afraid of offending someone. We're afraid of being judged.
We know that other parents, and non-parents (I know, right?!), are watching our every move and judging us behind our backs, so we feel the need to prove our competency by judging them and other parents, thus perpetuating the problem. Furthermore, because we feel like we're being judged, even kind, well-meaning words of advice are interpreted as criticism. Everyone is offending and getting offended. Why? Why are we doing this to ourselves? Let's stop it!

Let's start a NEW trend. A trend of SHARING but not JUDGING. 

First, remember your own bias. Then, try to be understanding of the situation. Empathize. Remember that we are ALL imperfect. Do not compare children to each other. BUT, if you see something going on and have a valuable outsiders' perspective (or actual help) to offer, don't shy away in fear.

It won't be easy, but I think we can do it. We can start by not judging others. Here are some tips to try (though I can't promise parents won't get offended):

• Flash your kindest, understanding smile.

• Acknowledge your own shortcomings.

• Ask the parent if you can say hello to the child, or simply wave.

• Turn it around. Instead of giving advice, ask for it (at the right time... during a meltdown may not be the right time).

• Offer kind words of encouragement.

• Offer to push a grocery cart, carry bags, or anything you think might be helpful.

• Ask, "would you like an outsider's perspective?"

• During peaceful times, let friends and neighbors know your plan. Say, "I want to be less judgmental, more helpful, and more open-minded. If you would like to share parenting (or other) advice, I'd like to hear your perspective. I'll use it to help me do what I feel is right." Reach out to people of all ages, not just your peers. Someone much older or considerably younger may have just the perspective you need.

What do you think about this idea?

I'd like to hear what kind of experiences you've had with feeling judged or judging other parents. Please comment with your feelings!